How to find other gay men in Nigeria

TL;DR:

Grindr is a GPS-powered mobile-chat application that works in Nigeria esp. Lagos!!! It locates and shows you other gay men using the app around you, from the closest to the farthest. Getting a booty call has never been easier for gay folks in this nigger land.

Quick steps:

• Buy an android phone (dunno, don't care which other platforms the app exists on);
• Set-up internet data on your phone;
• Download Grindr from the Play Store;
• You are good to go... Be witty, not boring
• Warning! Warning!! Warning!!! Leave the insanely hot profile picture guys alone. You're most likely to get snubbed, except maybe you're one of the insanely hot guys too. *going to get my own hot body too* #isuckatwooinghotguys or are hot guys just all unbearably boring?

LONG READ

As the title implies, this article is for the use of that young inexperienced gay man in Nigeria, who is in the closet, and wonders if there's a really effective way to meet men with similar romantic interests as him.

Like me, he might have tried some of the more popular international gay dating sites, say Manhunt or GayRomeo (does anyone still use these networks)? From my experience, these networks are not really that helpful, at least, not around this part of the world.

Anyway, up to the last two months, I was in this young man's shoes. I had no sexual contact of any sort with any guy all the way from January this year till a few weeks back. My first attempt at reaching out to other guys like me was 2009 or so. I tried out a couple of options back then, including some gay dating sites, but Facebook turned out to be the most productive option of all. Through my interesting Facebook profile back then, I had my first real hookup (it wasn't awesome). Subsequently, I also hooked up with one or two other guys I met on there.

During this time, I also met up with a handful of guys with whom there was not enough spark for anything to happen. The hookup success rate was incredibly low. And it required a ton of effort to develop and keep a relationship alive (Facebook messaging, back and forth, having to manually refresh browser from time to time).

My sexual exploration kicked in during the long holiday. So, unavoidably, when I returned to campus for the new session, I came to lose focus from hunting for six-packs. The time I spent on the fake profile gradually reduced, until after sometime, I  found I could not log-in again. It's unlike me to forget passwords, so I really am not sure what happened, but I lost access to the profile. This categorically spelt the end of gay hookups for me, as I wasn't going to repeat the arduous process of building up a TB Facebook profile from scratch.

One day in the second half of the year, I consulted my only long-standing gay friend, who was the last person I kissed. I let him know how miserable it was that he's the last person who touched me, over six-months ago. Loneliness had eaten away the better part of my soul and I was seeping away into the soil of depression. As fate would have it, Archie had a light-bulb moment and prescribed Grindr and Manjam to me. I didn't act on his prescription immediately though, cos' I thought this was just another pair of ineffective gay dating sites. Little did I know.

November 2014, it had indeed been a long Saturday, and at the end of the day, my mind had given up on all productive pursuits. It was in this mode that the name Grindr from a few months back, flashed back to my mind. I also remembered having seen the app feature on a Hollywood flick I saw early this year.

I went to Google Play store, got Grindr, along with its nearly identical cousin: Hornet (Hornet sucks, at least in Nigeria, do not waste your time and data (or eM-Bee if you're razz)). Within a few minutes, Grindr was set-up and things soon got rolling (read here).

Grindr really rocks. The design is spot on for the purpose which the app serves. Concisely, I'd describe it as a shopping cart website, only, men are the products on display.

Here's our menu; take your pick. Please, look carefully at the price tag before making your choice.

The design allows for a quick feedback cycle in interaction, making it easy to gauge your interest's interest in you without losing much time.

TIPS FROM MY SHORT GRINDR EXPERIENCE

• Be nice, courteous, and witty. 

• Read people's profiles before hitting on them. You might get an idea of how to launch the conversation in an interesting way, which I must say is really important. Guys can be boring, seriously.

• Be discreet. It's been surprising though to see quite a number of guys show full face on the app, in the face of the 14-year anti-gay Nigerian law. I need to have a one-on-one with one of these brave guys though to fully grasp their resolve to, let it all out.

• If you send two, three messages and there's no response, he's not interested. Don't waste your time, move on to more willing participants.

• Be security conscious. Avoid night meetings. Meet your prospects first at public places and evaluate them properly before agreeing to go to a more private place.

• Be bold. There's always the temptation to just stay online and hope some hottie would hit you up. Most times, this would not happen. Be the difference, make a move. You just might get lucky, like I did last weekend ;-).

• I figured most guys just want to have sex and move on. It's sad. There are a handful of those like me though, who long for a connection deeper than fucking someone or getting fucked in the ass. Why am I even saying this? I forgot I'm rare-breed and you're probably also just after some action anyway. 

• Guys with the hottest profile pictures are usually not responsive to chats. It might just be my experience anyway, perhaps my approach is lame, but I really doubt it. Now, my prime Grindr mission is to unravel the mystery behind this appalling phenomenon, cos' I like six-packs and big chests :'(. I need to know why these guys never say hi back.

Happy Grinding, bro.