Hello World,

My name is Dayo (one of my dormant names but the one which I'll use on this blog for anonymity's sake). I am an African boy man in my very early twenties. I'm blessed with a lot of great people whom I can call friend. Yet, often times, it dawns on me that I'm still very lonely. Loneliness exists in diverse forms and degrees. The form which constantly afflicts me is that which being surrounded by friends and loved ones cannot ward off. This kind of company cannot help my loneliness because despite the love, I cannot completely be myself when I am with these people.

You might think, if I can't be myself with the people I love, then I might have a big problem. Maybe you're right, because I think you're right too. This problem I have is the kind which when you realize you have in my country, it's the safest option to keep it to yourself. Are you getting some ideas? ... Should I leave you to guess? Alright, no need for so much teasing here. Here it is, the truth in plain undiluted text: "I am not heterosexual". Take some time to process that. Ok. Ok. Good. Mind you, that does not mean I'm declaring myself as gay or bisexual. I do not like any of those words or what majority of people have come to understand them to mean. The only thing I know is this: guys generally are more attractive to me than their female counterparts.  If you're from my country or another of those bigot filled nations, you probably know now why I retain my anonymity on this blog.

My country is a zero-tolerance zone for any form or hint of homosexuality or affiliation with homosexuality; legally. Be on the side of the LGBT community in any homosexual bashing discussion and you might as well be on your way to being tagged 'gay'. Thus, for someone like me whom attraction to people of the same-sex is a very real part of his day-to-day life, the closet proves to be a very safe abode; howbeit cold. 

Life in the closet can indeed be a lonely and sad one. One where you can't share even with your best friend, some of your best and memorable moments of the day. One in which you live, day after day, hoping that you'll wake up one day and this abnormality would be gone. Hoping that one day, you would wake up and be able to see why other guys cannot take their eyes off sexy females for their lives. 

I'm very uptight; saying very little even when I have a lot to say. My mind is set up to thoroughly screen every thought I have; to lock the most sincere and instinctive ones deep in its dungeons, and allow only the more superficial and fabricated ones escape into the ever-ready to bash world around it. It's disheartening that things have to be this way, until my country is a safer place for people like me. In the meantime, I want a medium where I can talk about things I would not dare discuss with the people in my everyday life. Yes, it would be a monologue, lacking all the juiciness and life of a real dialogue; but then, I believe that "half bread is better than none". 

On this blog, I would post stuff which I wish to publish on a blog, but which I dare not post on my other blog - it has my real identity all over it. Here, I would be free to write about the most attractive guys I encounter in my routine life. With no hesitation, I would wash my heart of my daily infatuation and lust, onto this blog, alone. Apart from my sexuality, there are a few other things about myself that I like to keep hidden from prying eyes. I'll give myself the liberty to be a loudmouth about them here. Somehow, I believe that loosening up in some way is essential for my happiness.

Who knows? One day, if I'm diligent with the writing, who knows? Someone who has the power to convert my monologues to positive dialogues might stumble across my blog and my life would be better for it. One day, I believe, if I put myself to it, that I'll be free as the wind to express myself.