No girl, No Love

Whilst browsing through Dealdey's deals today, I saw one deal which is so interesting that I strongly considered going for it. The deal offers a discount on a full day at Omu resort in Ajah (Lagos outskirts). From the pictures presented, the place looks like one at which I could have a really fulfilling fun day. A wide range of beautiful and thrilling attractions could be made out from the pictures on the deal's slideshow.

The next thought that came to mind was then: "Who do I go with"? A few options came to mind and I considered the following options.


My family
I've been with them all my life. Goind out with them would be at best, ordinary. Maximum possible level of excitement wih family is way too low for any good;

My male friends
It's unconventional to go out on fun things with male friends alone. I would wind up feeling unfulfilled, no matter how much fun we had, because I  often desire a little more than the traditional male-male friendship offers. I'm also not particularly in touch with 99% of my old friends. I've become more isolated than ever.

My female friends
The one(s) I really like and whose company I'm sure to enjoy are no longer in touch with me (and vice-versa). The last few times I've been alone with a girl were nowhere near interesting or thrilling. Most ladies just seem very ordinary and non-stimulating in my eye. The best I have ever felt with a girl is friendly warmth; nowhere near that much treasured primal excitement.

After all these considerations, I got a strong conviction of the sorriness of my current predicament. I am extremely lonely and for me to remain healthy, I might need to do something way out of my comfort zone very soon. I have little or no friends, I have no one with whom to discuss my ideas, the progress of my week with, how I truly feel about my work, my life, my future with. Absolutely no one. Sincerely, my family members are the only people I think have any iota of my interest at heart.

Numerous times, I have passed on deals like this, mainly because it would look awkward and feel rather depressing to go for a meal or to a resort alone. These kind of places are those where you come and see that every other person is hooked up to someone they love. The necessity of having have a girl after your heart has hardly ever dawned on me so clearly. I want a guy after my heart, but I would be a great idiot to think that any of my male friendships, no matter how good they have been, is even nearly sustainable. While with me, the guy friend is probably wishing in his heart that it was a girl there instead of me. And sooner or later, no matter how much fun we end up having together, it's only a matter of time (very little time) before each of my friends finds the girl they love. At that point, there would be nothing left for me. Nothing but me, and the slight hope that I would find some love, some day.

I'm gay. There's no sugar coating it. I feel it everyday. I know it by the sparks in my brain when my colleague's hands brushed against mine yesterday. I'm absolutely convinced because being arms-in-arms with a girl has not given me any sensations remotely comparable in pleasure to that which I felt for that second yesternight. The future is bleak; the future of my heart, of my life. I like to touch boys; to feel them close to me. On the other hand, abnormally, Ijust like to look at girls. At best, I could offer them a friendly touch for warmth, if at all, I've got any in me. Yet, merely seeing a handsome guy makes my heart drop. I wish he would look back at me and give me a smile. But its all a dream it's all a dream. A dream I hope, will come true someday, before I get too old to have any one else take a second look at me. Mother nature, send some love my way. Or at worst, teach me how and where to find love.

Goodnight, lonely world. The world beyond the realm of dream, though dark, is much warmer and comforting than this world I am in. And to that world I shall head very soon, looking forward to a more interesting day tomorrow.