Coming out to my straight Nigerian male friends

It's being ages since I completed a single blog post. So, to prevent my ever-present resistance to productivity, I will delve right into the meat of the matter. My aim in this article is to share my personal journey of coming out to two of my straight male friends and how things changed from that point on.

Hi Felix. Yesterday sucked, because I was nabbed kissing a boy in public in the era of 14 years

I and my colleague-turned-close-friend, Felix had decided to take on a private project together. This was in late 2014, a few weeks after I'd first joined Grindr in November. The owner of the project was a colleague of Felix's brother who works as a manager in one of the Tier 1 banks in Nigeria.

We had decided that we'd do some work on the private project after work that fateful Thursday. However, that did not stop me from agreeing to an evening date with Fola that same day. Fola was a guy I'd meet on Grindr a few weeks ago. We'd been chatting for about three weeks and there were very few things I would not have forgone to finally get to find out if we'd actually work in real life.

During the first date between Fola and me at the Palms, Lekki, Felix had called to remind me to fulfill my end of our mutual commitment on the project. I concurred and quickly rushed back to the date, knowing in my mind that there was very little chance that I'd still be able to work on the project after parting with Fola that day.

I and Fola had quite a few drinks (on his tab) that cool evening. And perhaps, it was the drink in our veins that drove us to forsake all inhibition and get into his car for an endless make-out session. I think we must have been at it for at least 15 minutes -taking breaks every so often to confirm we were not being watched- before we were rudely interrupted by a male voice, coming in through the open window from Fola's side of the car.

"Hey. Stop there. I've been watching you both for the past 10 minutes. *insert spew of homophobic trash talk here*"! Within the next few seconds he had snatched Fola's car key out of his hands, just as Fola was making to back out of the parking lot and buy us our sweet escape. 

Because the terrible experience I and Fola had is a story for another day, I'll cut to the chase. At the end of that night, we had to pay 20000 Naira to the policemen stationed in the nearest police container before his car key was returned to us.

The next day, over dinner at a buka nearby our office in Yaba, I got queried by my buddy Felix about why I'd failed to work on the project last night. At this point, I can't recall if this was part of the factors that made decide to be completely honest with him. But I'd had quite a crush on him ever since he first joined the company several years ago. 

Asides that, because of his soft nature, I had a bit of a hunch that he might actually swing both ways (he was pretty open with me about his affairs with women). Most importantly though was the fact that I felt it in my gut that at this stage of our friendship, the worst outcome would be that he'd stop talking to me and tell me how disappointed he was in me. And that I was willing to risk, for the rare chance to share my terrible experience of last night with one of the closest people in my life at the time.

And so was it, that I proceed to narrate to my BFF, Felix, in full detail, the ordeal that I went through last night. The story of a nice date gone sour which had prevented me from investing that evening on our project.

Felix took it pretty well (surprisingly or otherwise, I really cannot remember at this point). I can't remember much of what he said in response to my revelation that evening at Mama Emeka's shop, over our plates of swallow and bitter-leaf soup. But I know that none of it was hostile and none if it was judgmental. I feel like he must have reiterated his own unwavering love for the opposite sex (and only that), but I can't be sure now because memories fade away.

I love you, Ben. And I think you love me too

I had first met Ben two years before I developed a crush on him. I was in 3rd year of my undergraduate, and a resident in one of the two best male hostels on campus. At the time, Ben was squatting with Muyee, a fellow engineering student in 3rd year who stole my heart by paying me an August visit in my room one lonely weekday evening.

After that visit, I took the (good) bait and started visiting him in his room as well every evening after the day's activities. I felt peace, love and warmth whenever I was in Muyee's room and around him, just like I do when at home with my family, having some nice chill time in the living room. He was bigger than me physically (made me feel protected) and he was really kind to me too. I was in literal friendship heaven.

A few days into our blossoming friendship, Muyee introduced me to Ben, his old-time friend who was squatting with him in the room. He had told me about Ben several times before I finally got to meet him that evening in Muyee's room. According to Muyee, Ben was smart-as-fuck (a first-class engineering student). And he was doing the same course as I was, just one year behind. That evening when I met Ben, it was just like meeting any other new acquaintance in the university environment. There were no sparks in the air nor were there butterflies in my stomach. Little did I know that there was a kind of love that happens very long after first sight.

Over the next few weeks, it so happened that I drifted closer to Ben than I was to Muyee, the original friend (much to Muyee's envy which he often expressed to no avail). Almost every night, I and Ben would go out on long walks around campus, talking on and on and getting to unravel the hidden pieces of each other's lives piece after piece. Of course, we became very good friends. Ben was very outgoing and exceptionally warm to everyone and he was also a really good dancer. I often felt intimated on our walks due to the frequency at which he stopped to exchange pleasantries with one passerby acquaintance after another.

Nonetheless, for the next one year plus, our relationship remained as friendship and I can't recall nursing any romantic feelings towards him. No. Almost two years passed until the stream of his love swept me off of my feet.

I resumed final year (Ben in penultimate year) and incidentally, I and Ben got posted to the same hostel once again. I wasn't expecting it and I really can't say where it came from, because it was not like I was even nursing the idea of falling in love with him over the holidays. But I found my self falling deep in love from the very first moment I set my eyes on Ben that school year.

Every time he appeared at my room's door to say hi, my heart would skip a beat. When I was in class, the thoughts of getting done with it, so I could go spend time with Ben remained persistent in the background of my mind. When I ran into him in public in the course of my day's activities, I felt butterflies in my stomach (and he would always approach me with a look of true delight on his face).

Sometimes when I was lying face down on my bed in the hostel, he'd come lie against my back. These fleeting moments were true heaven for me, feeling warmth flow from his long, muscled and dark body into mine was a feeling I could never have enough of. That was the most touchy-feelly or intimate we ever got. Our love-affair continued on and on like this until the first semester vacation rolled around.

During the vacation, while over at my uncle's place, I decided to damn the consequences and tell Ben all about my lovely-dovey feelings. At this point, trust me when I say my infatuation with Ben had become so mental, it was bordering on obsession. I was thinking about him every single moment of my waking and I was dreaming of him in my sleep. Never before then or after then had I been so infatuated with any single person. I just had to release all of these feelings one way or another and I decided the best option was to discuss my feelings with the object of my feelings himself. 

His response hurt. He was not into guys in that way and he told me he felt very differently than me about the touchy-feelly which I'd convinced myself translated into mutual romantic feelings. I was shattered but in another week or two, I was glad I made that bold step. Yes, I was still nursing a broken heart but at least, there was no more uncertainty about the future of I and Ben's relationship. We were going to remain friends and nothing more.

When we resumed for the final semester of my undergrad career, I felt a bit of regret over having bared my heart to Ben. Our holiday conversation meant that he'd have to be more careful around me, meaning there was no more touchy-feelly coziness between us. However, I learned to live with that because what choice did I have. 

We remained very good friends and till date, my connection with Ben remains one of the strongest that I've ever had with anyone. We go on runs together every now and then when a social run brings us together. And a couple of times every year, I, Ben and John - another charming dude who joined our circle back in school - still go out of our ways to plan a get-together.

You know, I thought I had come out to Ben those many years ago when I told him I had romantic feelings for him. And I had much reason to think so. When I told him how I felt love for him, he told me he was scared because he might also start feeling the same way and he did not want that. Also, at some point back in school after that discussion, he told me that his little brother (who was also a student) and other acquaintances had told him at one time or the other about their suspicions of my sexuality. He also joked about banishing the gay away from me by taking me to a stripper's club a couple of times.

However, last year (2017- five years after my graduation), we attended Muyee's wedding ceremony together in another Nigerian state. We lodged in the same room together for the two-day period of our being there. On the first night of our being there, we had gone out for dinner together at the nearby mall and decided to take a walk back like old times. This was the first time he asked me explicitly if I was gay. It felt weird saying "yes" to that question in all its directness, but say it, I did. 

Life went on just like nothing had happened. He commiserated for my mum who happens to have me as her only son. We both agreed she'll be alright in the end, whether or not I help her actualize her life-long dream of holding her only son's children in her arms.