Top-bottom dichotomy rant

It's a rant. I didn't even proofread this. I just let it all out. Hope there is at least some coherence in there. Forgive any typos/incoherence.

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My period of exploring anal sex is over once again. To be honest, I think it might be so because I messed it up (pun intended) myself. Virtually all the times I bottomed, it was unplanned, random. Meaning that I didn't have time to prepare and then things more often than not got messy. Which inevitably has an effect on how I feel about the whole thing. It's hard not to feel some shame when at the end of a process, there's an overhanging smell of your own poop in the room. Switching places with any of my partners in any of those scenarios, I feel like I would be scarred and probably not try sex again with the person until we're sure everything would be clean the next time.

You know, these experiences leave some questions in my head regarding my repeat sexual partners? Is it that the pleasure of the sex for these guys overrides the nastiness of having your dick dig up the most disgusting thing that can routinely come out of a human body? Does it turn them on? Or is it that they expected that I would know to douche before getting down with them but were too embarrassed to express their disappointment on finding out that I didn't?

Besides the frequent nastiness though, I can't say there's a lot to write home about with the rest of my dick-taking experience either. Upwards of 90 per cent of the times I've had sex, I won't call the experience ecstatic, or maybe I just have a short memory. Yes, I can recall a few instances, at most five where it felt like the stimulation was actually pleasurable. But very quickly, it often fades away and it's hard to reproduce. Which leaves me feeling like an alien whenever I peep into the gay 'bottom-verse' online and sense almost god-like awe for getting dicked down.

Beyond the general numbness of my bottoming experiences, I've also had several other worrying complications after sex that have brought me to a point where I've decided to stop my little bottoming experiment. Once, I've had a bit of bleeding from the anus shortly after sex. The next time, it was that after sex, I found that my semen was bloody for the next few days. Oh, and there was also the case of my one-time regular sex partners claiming to encounter some sharp bone-like structure when he penetrates me to a certain depth. A structure he's always careful with lest he gets his dick cap sliced off. Oh yes.

Interestingly, despite these experiences, I still feel like there's still room for exploring getting pleasure through the anus. But until I find the eternally evasive love of my life, I think I'll pass on all these harrowing experiences of bottoming for random-ass dicks who are just there for an orgasm and other nice experiences I can give them with my money.

Again, I'm coming from a mindset that approached the gay dating scene with the belief that anal sex was just icing on the cake that could be done without in a romantic relationship with another man. My favourite movie back in the day was "Latter Days" in which a Mormon boy fell in love with a pretty boy.

I feel like if there's anything I want in a relationship, it's that mutual acknowledgement of romantic feelings in each other's presence which the film was centred around. After a scene of intense lovemaking which didn't appear to me to have been penetrative, I remember the Mormon boy saying, "oh wow, I didn't realize we were at that for so long".

What I'm trying to say is that I hate the ritualistic nature that my dating experience has come to show me that gay lovemaking is, in contrast to what I was expecting. You make out, quickly move forward to foreplay, sucking each others' dick or licking each other's bottoms and then go for the ultimate: "dick, destroy anus". A journey to orgasm. Sad, really sad. Sad to see this is the reality that is deemed normal amongst gay people around the world.

Of course, in the process of exploring, I've also by default accepted this normal for myself. After all, I'm gay, so I have to identify as either a top or a bottom to even get anyone to touch me. The pressure is real, what with terms like "versatile top" and "versatile bottom".

This is the rant of a frustrated Nigerian gay man living in Lagos who is pained about not having found a place either as a top or a bottom despite having been dating for 4 full years. He's tried to blend in, mostly as a bottom but that hasn't been rosy (pun not intended). He's not particularly keen on topping either because he doesn't want to encounter anything that comes out of another person's rear-end. This rant is because I feel, rejected; rejected within my own minority group. Or is it just that I'm using the wrong app: Grindr, hence meeting mostly the wrong crowd? What alternatives do I have?

I can't judge anyone who has found adequate satisfaction in the pure sexual experiences of either topping or bottoming though. If I'd found it, I'm sure I'll be among the people with a freak Twitter account, with a mission to have sex with as many 'hot' people as I can lure into my room. Sexual satisfaction that is independent of what romantic/emotional attraction that I feel for the person. Just a dick or an ass of the right shape and size and on the right body and we're good to roll. Oh, how good that would have been? Unfortunately, I didn't find that and I'm left to keep searching for my satisfaction in deep places which are far from being readily reachable.

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