Hot torso; goodbye NoFap; almost

This morning, I almost ended a NoFap streak that I've been on for at least, the last one month. I've not opened xVideos or amateur gay porn Twitter for even once in that period, these two being my normal go-to places for on-demand sexual entertainment.

I had followed a Twitter notification in my e-mail inbox to a popular picture-tweet whose joke I didn't get. In the process of reading the tweet comments (to help me get the joke), the display picture of one of the commentators caught my attention and without much thought, I opened their profile on another tab.

The picture was of the well-toned torso of a black man. And even though my conscious didn't realize why I clicked into the picture so fast and thoughtlessly, my brain knew what it was doing. It remembers like its yesterday, the delicious avalanche of pleasure-inducing chemicals it gets bathed in whenever I've dug into such profiles in the past.

A few seconds after I opened the profile (having given up on getting the joke from the initial tweet), I switched tabs to see what this hot man's Twitter had to offer. And then it hit me. On the media section of his profile, my visual field was bombarded with a dozen nude pics: some dick pics and then some others of his ass, spread out to receive dick in the doggy position. Even as I write it now, my own dick is trying to claim more territory than my tight-fitting panties would normally allow it. Damn, sex, why you so savage!

The instant I took in those pictures, I said to myself: "Alas! This is the end of your well-kept NoFap streak; once again". In a second, I had agreed with myself to give in to my lust just this once and then restart my streak right after the ensuing fap session, just like I have countless other times in the past.

To its merit, my prefrontal cortex - the rational decision-making part of the brain that shuts down in times like these - was not completely off. With the last of its waking breath, it reminded me of all the countless times in the past where we've both been together at this point. How after the upcoming fap session and the next several ensuing ones, I would start desperately trying to get back to NoFap again. Because no matter how much I want it to, jerking off to porn can never really fill out the need for real intimacy and sex in my life. On the contrary, doing that would remind me constantly of how miserable my sex life is compared to that of those guys shooting themselves fucking each other and posting it on Twitter for everyone to drool at. The same ones whose videos of themselves have helped me reach orgasm in a few short seconds countless time in the past.

It's funny, you know, the fact I'm not doing this for any religious or moral reasons, but more of spiritual, if I can call it that. I'm a control freak to a large extent, so being able to tell myself that even though there's nothing between me and the delectable supplies of amateur gay porn on Twitter, I've decided not to keep soiling my mind with that content because the payoff just isn't worth it.

Besides that, I also believe based on some things I've read on the internet that when one is acclimatized to getting off on porn and palm, the amount of pleasure that one can get from being intimate with a real person is severely cut short. And I want to, one day, be able to have mind-blowing sex (the type I often read about online but have only managed to experience a handful of times in real-life) regularly with my love partner. I'm happy to offer the sacrifice of porn-abstinence to get such a reward when I finally get into a relationship.

At this point, I really wish I could grant myself just one cheat day - perhaps once a month - to release sexual tension since I generally don't get some as often as I think I'd want to. But according to history, it never stops at that. Giving myself a NoFap break usually sees me getting off track for at least, the ensuing few weeks, until I'm once again at that familiar rock bottom of emptiness that fapping to porn regularly always dumps me in. Then I decide to make another go at NoFap, convinced that my last slip-up was in the past.

For the sake of completeness, in my current NoFap streak of one month plus, I have actually jerked off quite a number of times, but not to any graphics (pictures or videos). Most of those times, I relied on my imagination to keep the erection alive until completion. A couple of times though where that did not pan out, I've resorted to the lesser evil of getting stimulation from written erotica.

To some extent, I know that using written erotica is cheating, because of how proficient my mind is at animating the words with pictures and videos from my well-stocked mental spank bank; the one having its earliest deposits dating as far back as 12 years ago. Nonetheless, I think it's a big step forward to have been able to say no to indulging in a yummy Twitter-amateur-porn-fueled fapping session this morning - videos of hot black guys fucking each other in real life are hands-down, my favorite type of porn. It also helped that I was at work, even though that hasn't stopped me in the past. 😜

Who knows how long I can keep this up for? If you ask me, I'll say it's only a matter of time until I end up back at square one. Body no be metal.