What Luck

Since the start of the week, I've been looking forward to the coming weekend. From the picture of it that I've got painted in my mind, it would seem like the first weekend of the rest of my life. I'm expecting a beautiful young man whose physical beauty and rare personality has all but captured my heart. He gave me the most wonderful companionship I've had in a long time last Friday. So good it was, that all week, I've not been able to stop daydreaming about how good I felt, just being with him.


Little surprise I invited him over (quite shadily though) to spend this weekend with me. When someone makes you feel that good, you don't ever want to let them leave your side. My intentions for this meeting are as follows:

• make him fall in love with me, if he already isn't. I'm not going to be fake or pretentious or anything. Quite on the contrary, I will be totally myself around him and see if he likes me;

• ask him at some point during the weekend, he wrapped in my arms or vice-versa, if he's ready to delete Grindr for me, 'cos I feel like I'm ready to do that for him read: ask him out;

• do some co-shopping to make my room more couple ;-) friendly. It's amazing how I'm motivated to make these changes I would never have thought of. Everyone needs such a person in their life. A person that reminds them that every moment of live is meant to be savored.

All week long, in my busy work schedule, I've been in touch with him. We get to chat for a few minutes everyday. I think I make him smile, and he makes me smile too. He's usually really warm in the chats, though I noticed he does not exactly take the initiative to check up on me. At least, a great percentage of the time, I've been the one who goes out of my way to initiate a chat. He always responds though, so, no biggie. But I can't exactly be sure how much into me he is. To be sincere with myself though, he apparently isn't as big on me as I am on him. I don't know if this is a recipe for disaster though; my dating/love experience is next to nil. One thing I've been careful not to do though is to come across as obsessed (even though my attraction to him borders on that).

One of the debates I've also been having in my mind all week is whether or not to wait till weekend to ask him out. He seems a lot like hot commodity that should be snatched off the stall, the first chance you get at it. However, I've chosen to postpone it to the weekend for the following reasons:

• I think there's a high chance for rejection if we discuss it on phone, since it's not clear that he's particularly into me. Being physically present with him when I say those words, I'll be sure that it's not the circumstances around him at that time that caused a negative response;

• I'm so pessimistic, I'm systematically pushing the evil day forward. Yeah right, my ego is sort of protecting me by procrastinating what is sure to be a rejection.

The point of this whole history, though, blog, is to build a background for the real intended content of this article; see below:

So, I just called Ifeanyi. Man, was I glad to hear his voice? He sounded happy enough during the conversation though; I take that as a good sign. My main aim of calling was to cement our appointment for the weekend and intimate him on the plans. So, after some chit-chat, I asked if our appointment tomorrow still stands, to which he answered in a wishy-washy way. In my experience, this is the worst kind of answer someone can give you. It's so awful 'cos you're pretty much left hanging mid-air. 

It might be hard for him to understand, and it might be rude if I were to attempt to make it clear to him. The thing is, I really need to be sure if he's showing up, ideally, 24 hours before Friday. This will give me enough time to overcome the depression from being disappointed, and subsequently take action to ensure my weekend is not a total flop compared to what I'd envisioned. All week long, I've not been on Grindr, because I'm faithful that something good is already on the horizon. It's only fair that I be informed early enough, if indeed, my anticipation has been anchored on a fleeting mirage. 

I've been disappointed so many times that my pessimism level has grown to a record high. When I hear yes, I've come to know not to count on it much. 'Cos truth is, generally, people are not very reliable; I inclusive. All week long, while dreaming of a perfect weekend with Ifeanyi, a considerable amount of fear and doubt has remained in my mind as to whether I really could be this fortunate. Would his religious parents allow him to be away from home for an entire weekend? Where would he tell them he was going to? I've been careful not to bring Friday up, explicitly, in our conversation all week, so it does not seem like I'm too desperate for it. 

It would be great to know that all my premonition counts for nothing. My padding of pessimism remains intact, protecting me from falling into an unhealthy mood again. Only because it was there all along, is it that I still feel pretty good while writing this, even though I know wishy-washy Ifeanyi holds all the power to make my weekend a totally awful one compared to the blissful one I've dreamed of all-week-long.

Conclusively though, I wish people would be more kind as to inform someone in my shoes well before hand if plans are going to fail due to their unavailability. Please, don't wait for me to call you to find out we won't be meeting again. Like, why did you even agree if you don't consider me anything important enough to bother about not crossing?

I really like Ifeanyi though. Truth is, however pissed I might sound, I can't really be pissed at him. The beautiful poet who goes around melting lonely hearts has caught me in his snare. 

My simple prayer: "Lord. Make me sleep entangled with Ifeanyi, at least, one night before the weekend is out". That's the least I deserve for my week-long anticipation. All the best to me, I'm still looking forward to a blissful weekend.