"I don't think you're gay", says my date
Let's call him Janis. I met Janis on Grindr about three weeks ago, and we undoubtedly had some chemistry. He was definitely more conversational than 90% of the guys I engage with on the app. Soon after our first few messages, he asked that we go on a date. Of course, I accepted since he came across as a sensible person.
After a few frustrating misses, we finally made it happen last Saturday. It was at one of the eat-out places in VI. We arrived there at about 8 pm and took a seat in the outdoor seating area, quickly getting to the business of demystifying one another.
He led, telling me the interesting story of the event which triggered his homocuriosity and subsequently, led him to having affairs with other guys. After that, he told me of how his several failed relationships have left him in a state of despair about gay partnerships. I think he told me this because when he asked what I was looking for, I told him, without mincing words, that I'm looking for a boyfriend.
At this point, having been the majority speaker for most of the conversation, I guess he was feeling weird. Because he complained about how I've not been saying enough. In response, I also told him of my first homosexual experience and about how my stance on anal sex changed suddenly.
As a follow up to the anal sex story, urged on by the fact that he had shared his desire for me to be more expressive in my responses, I let him know how I'm generally not keen on anal sex. Reason being that after the very first encounter, none of my subsequent experiences taking dick was anything close to mind-blowing. At best, it's been a tolerable drudgery and at worst, an inconvenience which I had to quit barely a minute in. Asides that, the feeling that the act is dirty and unnatural still lingers, despite me having done it many times.
One other reason I gave him for why I'm not all in for anal sex is due to some lingering internalized homophobia I might have (if that's the right way to describe it). I know that one of the strongest reasons for my initial strong stance against anal sex with other men was that I didn't want to fit into the derogatory stereotype which most heterosexuals have of gay men. To most heterosexuals, there's no distinction between homosexuality and anal sex. As a way of rebelling against that stereotype, my conscious mind put a block between me and the act of anal sex.
The straw that broke the camels back for Janis was my describing the act of anal sex as "a mock of sex". I told him that as far as I'm concerned, anal sex is just a mock of real heterosexual sex. When he shared his disdain for this opinion of mine, I went on to explain that I was only talking facts. Evolution created genitals for the purpose of sex. The male sexual organ is the penis, and that of the female is a vagina. Copulation with these organs is the definition of sex, as far as evolution is concerned. Anything else is only an improvisation, which is why I consider anal sex as not really sex, even though I fully identify as a gay man.
He told me at this point that he doesn't think I'm gay. As far as he was concerned, I was faking it if I did not buy in whole-heartedly into the top-bottom dichotomy. I reiterated to him that I was only stating facts here and reminded him of how I'm open to having sex with a guy I'm into, despite the fact that I consider it a mock of real sex.
Finally, I tried to help him understand that homosexuality is one thing and anal sex is another thing entirely. Hence, it was kind of amiss for him to be questioning my sexuality just because anal sex with men does not have my full mental buy-in.
My date with Janis ended not so long after this conversation. I really can't remember anything else we talked about after that not-so-heated argument.
You know, sometimes I think anal sex might have had my full buy-in by now if my experiences with it had been more memorable. The way a lot of bottoms the world over talk about their hunger for dick, I feel like something essential must be missing from most of my sexual encounters. I've bottommed several times after my very first time and as I stated earlier, nothing about any of those subsequent experiences makes me 'wet' with anticipation when I imagine having a huge dick playing in my asshole. For me, it's more like cringe if I'm going to be honest. Does this make me a top automatically? I don't think so, but I'm sure that's all the evidence some guys needed to stamp TOP on their gay CV.
Tell me, is there something I'm missing? Who can you empathize with more, Janis or LonelyBlackBoy?
After a few frustrating misses, we finally made it happen last Saturday. It was at one of the eat-out places in VI. We arrived there at about 8 pm and took a seat in the outdoor seating area, quickly getting to the business of demystifying one another.
He led, telling me the interesting story of the event which triggered his homocuriosity and subsequently, led him to having affairs with other guys. After that, he told me of how his several failed relationships have left him in a state of despair about gay partnerships. I think he told me this because when he asked what I was looking for, I told him, without mincing words, that I'm looking for a boyfriend.
At this point, having been the majority speaker for most of the conversation, I guess he was feeling weird. Because he complained about how I've not been saying enough. In response, I also told him of my first homosexual experience and about how my stance on anal sex changed suddenly.
As a follow up to the anal sex story, urged on by the fact that he had shared his desire for me to be more expressive in my responses, I let him know how I'm generally not keen on anal sex. Reason being that after the very first encounter, none of my subsequent experiences taking dick was anything close to mind-blowing. At best, it's been a tolerable drudgery and at worst, an inconvenience which I had to quit barely a minute in. Asides that, the feeling that the act is dirty and unnatural still lingers, despite me having done it many times.
One other reason I gave him for why I'm not all in for anal sex is due to some lingering internalized homophobia I might have (if that's the right way to describe it). I know that one of the strongest reasons for my initial strong stance against anal sex with other men was that I didn't want to fit into the derogatory stereotype which most heterosexuals have of gay men. To most heterosexuals, there's no distinction between homosexuality and anal sex. As a way of rebelling against that stereotype, my conscious mind put a block between me and the act of anal sex.
The straw that broke the camels back for Janis was my describing the act of anal sex as "a mock of sex". I told him that as far as I'm concerned, anal sex is just a mock of real heterosexual sex. When he shared his disdain for this opinion of mine, I went on to explain that I was only talking facts. Evolution created genitals for the purpose of sex. The male sexual organ is the penis, and that of the female is a vagina. Copulation with these organs is the definition of sex, as far as evolution is concerned. Anything else is only an improvisation, which is why I consider anal sex as not really sex, even though I fully identify as a gay man.
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| You are not one of us |
He told me at this point that he doesn't think I'm gay. As far as he was concerned, I was faking it if I did not buy in whole-heartedly into the top-bottom dichotomy. I reiterated to him that I was only stating facts here and reminded him of how I'm open to having sex with a guy I'm into, despite the fact that I consider it a mock of real sex.
Finally, I tried to help him understand that homosexuality is one thing and anal sex is another thing entirely. Hence, it was kind of amiss for him to be questioning my sexuality just because anal sex with men does not have my full mental buy-in.
My date with Janis ended not so long after this conversation. I really can't remember anything else we talked about after that not-so-heated argument.
You know, sometimes I think anal sex might have had my full buy-in by now if my experiences with it had been more memorable. The way a lot of bottoms the world over talk about their hunger for dick, I feel like something essential must be missing from most of my sexual encounters. I've bottommed several times after my very first time and as I stated earlier, nothing about any of those subsequent experiences makes me 'wet' with anticipation when I imagine having a huge dick playing in my asshole. For me, it's more like cringe if I'm going to be honest. Does this make me a top automatically? I don't think so, but I'm sure that's all the evidence some guys needed to stamp TOP on their gay CV.
Tell me, is there something I'm missing? Who can you empathize with more, Janis or LonelyBlackBoy?
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