Am I dying faster than normal?

Tuesday before the last, I was standing in the bath, about to take a soap-free shower to cool me down just before retiring to bed for the night. Feeling safe in my privacy, I let out a fart. However, something was strange! The fart had felt too material. Almost like I mistakenly let out some poop. Of course, this had never happened to me.

I looked to the bath floor to confirm my suspicion. But instead of poop, what I saw was a thick mix of transparent mucus mixed with blood. I blanched. Then right after, I squatted to pick up the gooey mass that just fell out of me. It was actually cohesive enough for me to be able to pick all of it up at once. I picked it up to my nose for a smell test and it smelled really foul. "This is a first", I mused. But I didn't think much of it. I washed it down the bathroom drain right before going on to have my shower which preceded a short night's sleep.

Two days after, I would take a sick day off from work because my first bowel movement at 6 am had more blood in it than feces. Also, I wasn't feeling really good but it might just have been due to me waking up too early as I have to do every weekday. I went to the hospital where the doctor couldn't quite put a finger on what the problem might be from the consultation interview. He asked me to a stool sample test.

My experience in the hospital loo trying to get a stool sample got me feeling even more worried for myself. Each time I strained, my anus spewed out a watery fluid which in its physical appearance, could have passed for pure blood drawn out of a vein. Not feces with streaks of blood but liquid blood with almost no sign of feces in it. As the lab attendant handed the sample bottle to me earlier, "4 working days" she said. I would have to wait an entire week from that Thursday to be able to see the doctor again, despite these worrying conditions.

During consultation, the doctor recommended that I get an anal suppository (Anusol) which I ended up using for only two days because I didn't think it could help me. The next few days would see me having fewer bowel movements than usual. That made me feel like it just might be my first experience with constipation as an adult and that I needn't be too worried for myself.

In the hours and days that followed the consultation, I did a lot of internet research about what my symptoms might mean and saw all sorts of possible diagnoses like polyps, anal fissures, irritable bowel syndrome, hemorrhoids, colon cancer - to mention a few. I was really scared for myself and wondered whether this might be a consequence of the two times I've had semen inside me.

Many years ago, when I was an anal virgin and sure that I'd never try anal sex, I had read an online article about how colon cancer rates are higher in gay men than in the rest of the population. It claimed that sperm cells tend to react with the cells in the rectum/colon to form abnormal cells that could end up as cancerous. At the time, reading this strengthened my resolve to abstain from the act completely. I should have kept that resolve; I wouldn't be here if I had.

++ Swollen abdomen

One Monday after the Tuesday when I first had a bloody patch of mucus fall from my anus, my stomach started getting bigger; rapidly. Meanwhile, the bloody stools/constipation issue was still there while I waited until Thursday for my test results to show up. My abdomen appeared to be retaining water and overnight, my belly now had bigger folds and a prominent fanny pack.

"OMG! My life is over", I thought to my self. The feel of my belly pushing against my fitted dress shirt is not one that I'm used to. It only happens when I overeat. All week, I was self-conscious and constantly wondered if anyone else might have noticed my overnight transition from trim to flabby. No one talked about it though, even though I'd told a few friends what I was experiencing. Several times a day, I would go to the office bathroom to look at my belly in the mirror to remind myself that "this is not my stomach"!

I wondered if this situation might be tied to the constipation. Perhaps, the waste that wasn't getting eliminated as feces was starting to accumulate in my belly. On a less gloomy note, I also hoped the swelling was just a consequence of the intense ab roller exercise that I'd done the previous Saturday. My abs were still sore from it, and this was not the first time I would experience swelling after strength-training.

I wish I had a picture of my abdomen from before all of this shit started so I would know for sure when I'm fully recovered and that I'm not just deluded about how my belly looks.

How am I now?

My diarrhea is gone. The sparse and bloody and mucousy bowel movements have come to an end. Yes! My poop is now normal again, after absolutely no medical treatment. All hail the regenerative power of the human cell! 🙌🙌🙌

Throughout the bleeding period, I felt no pain in my gut or rectum. Also, the stool tests came out negative for microbial infection, so still there is nothing to treat. I've been scheduled for a colonoscopy for next week for further investigation of what the cause of the bleeding might have been. We need to be 100% sure that I'm actually okay.

The swelling in my abdomen has reduced significantly too. I feel like there's still a bit of fluid left in there that's not normally there but then I can only know this over the next few days. Since I don't have a recent picture of my abdomen.

My psychology

I can't deny that my health situation in the last two weeks got to me real bad. Being rather pessimistic, I've already imagined what I'd do if the diagnosis turns out to be the worst: cancer! I read somewhere that colon cancer, even though it's usually treatable, might leave one in a situation where you have to pass feces through a hole in your abdomen. If I end up in such a situation, I think I'll ask to be euthanized. Think, because you never really know what you'll do until you have to make a decision in real life.

In another breath, I found comfort in the fact that I'm not special and that me dying right now or a couple short years from now is not a complete tragedy. I see death mostly as a much-needed relief from life. Because irrespective of how high one climbs on the socioeconomic ladder, the demons that plague the human soul remain ever present, tormenting each of us every so often. Death is relief.

The conviction that finding the finance to treat an expensive medical condition might be difficult but not out of reach also helped keep me level-headed.