No hidden intentions Adi
Yesterday, I finally got up to doing something that I've been thinking about doing for, what, 3 weeks? I asked my colleague Adi (who I first met through Grindr four years ago but never met in person until last year at the office) out for a hangout. I'm always delighted to see him in the office - like bulb lights up in your head delighted - so I just thought it'd be nice to enjoy some of that feeling in my free weekend time.
I've been thinking of doing this for at least the last two weeks. But I'm only just doing it now because I feel like it'd hurt if he says no. Besides that, I don't want him thinking that ulterior motives are my motivation for doing this. Granted, I probably won't be asking him out if he wasn't someone that I fancy. I'd love a chance to explore intimacy with him for sure if I get the chance. But being someone who declined back in 2015 when I tried to meet him in person - saying I'm not his type - I'm not exactly hopeful about the possibility of that.
Well. Last night, I just thought: "Fuck it, what's the worst that could happen" and went ahead with it. The potential upsides of him saying yes outweigh the obvious and relatable downsides of him saying no. I'm almost as good as numb to getting rejected these days, sometimes it worries me that I might have lost an essential part of what makes me human.
You won't imagine what I just remembered. Oh, here we go... It's that one time in 2016 when I and Ify (one guy who I'm crazily into) started hanging out again after a long period of not being in touch. In my mind, since the reason we'd stopped talking was that he ghosted me, I zeroed my mind as to any possibility of intimacy happening between us and just focused on enjoying the other things we could do together. Besides, he had a boyfriend.
Every weekend, we would get together, either on Saturday or Sunday to go out somewhere cool. Mostly art galleries and other outdoor events happening in the Lekki/VI/Ikoyi area. We went to Nike Art Gallery in Lekki, Art Café in VI, Red door Gallery in VI and another art gallery in Ikoyi whose name misses me.
It was when we were at the Red Door gallery on Bishop Oluwole VI that the unexpected happened. Being one to generally only be able to gloss over pieces of art, I was bored just 5 minutes into the whole shebang. I said this to him, probably as a way to indicate that I wanted to get going. Also, I think I was tired of taking pictures of him. "Do you want to do something fun", he replied. Next thing I know, we were sticking our tongues into the back of each other's throats in different corners of the gallery, of which we were the only visitors in there at the time.
The last time I'd kissed Ify's luscious (and I don't use that word lightly) lips was back on January 2, 2015, the very first day we met. And since then I'd only been able to dream of getting to do it again. Ify remained out of my grasp and I'd concluded that he doesn’t see me that way. So this shocked me out of my bones, in a good way.
That kicked off the beginning of a short-lived romance between us. After leaving Red door gallery, we went to a gallery in Ikoyi. There, we made out in the rain after which we had a quickie in the bathroom 😋. After that day, I started to go see Adi almost every day at his workplace which was just around the corner from where I lived at the time. We would make out in my car, stopping every so often to check that no potential joy-stealer was sneaking up on us. This went on for another couple of weeks, even though I was aware he had a boyfriend and that they were having a rough patch.
This did not last for long though. And I feel like it was because I kept pressing for a meaning for what we had. I'd never been in a relationship and at the time, getting that label was high-priority for me. In hindsight, I think that was foolish and I should have just gone with the flow and enjoyed what I had with Ify. It wasn't enough for me that I was having satisfying make out sessions with a man I loved regularly, that I was seeing him almost every day when I would go pick him up at 5am and drop him off close to the gym before heading for work. That my company meant something to him, even if it was just that he was enjoying having a free morning chauffeur and that I cherished every moment I got to spend in his company. It wasn't enough. I wanted more, for him to say he loves me, but I ended up with nothing. Poof! Argh. Nostalgia is sweet as it is bitter. Wherever you are Ify, you should know that I still love you and I'll never stop loving you. Now back on topic.
Recalling how things went with Ify keeps a bit of hope alive in me about things getting cosy with Adi. Adi's place is very close to mine; an 8-minute drive away at most on a traffic-free day. My hope is that we can get comfortable with each other enough to hang out every Sunday evening which is my official guilt-free socializing time. For someone who thinks that doing something measurably productive towards a medium/long-term personal goal is the best way to spend their free time, it shouldn't be taken for granted that I was able to carve out a period of my weekend for socializing. However comfortable in my own company I get, there's the different kind of fulfilment that only comes from spending time in the company of people you actually like. I deserve it. Also, it goes without saying that it's better if I enjoy that time since I get it on the average, only once a week.
Adi has agreed that we should hang out this evening. I don't find his response enthusiastic and it's still gnawing at me that he might be doing this out of obligation. It's less than 6 hours away from the time when we're meant to meet but we've still not decided on what movie we're gonna see tonight. He's taking his time, and having experienced that kind of lackadaisical attitude a lot before a flake out, I can't help but feel like he would just come up with an excuse at the last minute. I won't push it because again, I have no ulterior motives. I'm not horny beyond what a jerk-off can't take away. Being in his company and just talking and getting to know Adi better would probably give me enough pleasure to consider my time with him, rewarding.
Do I want more? Yes. Am I keen on it? Not at all. I won't push for it or mention anything about us remotely dating. Except, of course, the conversation naturally drifts in that direction or he mentions it first. A year has passed since one of my top 3 new year's goals was to get a boyfriend. Now, I can hardly relate to the person who made that decision at the time, given all the unreadable-in-a-book experiences I've gained in my efforts at getting booed up.
Because writing an article takes time, it's now just 3 hours to the time when we're supposed to meet. Adi is meant to get back to me on what movie it is that we're going to see but I've not heard from him. Of course, I could give him a nudge or I could just conveniently assume that his silence means that he's not keen on hanging out with me. Because it takes away nothing from me and can have the positive upside of us actually getting to hang out, I'll do it anyway.
I hate to think that I might be putting Adi under pressure to do something he's not up for. If that's the case, well, I hope he finds the heart to say it. I know how hard it can be to tell someone that you're not even vaguely interested in spending one-on-one time with them. That you're not remotely into them and that hanging out with them for you would be akin to going through the motions.
If Adi tells me he just doesn't want to see me, I'll not spend time brooding. For me, it would be time to spend doing my laundry (while simultaneously losing my head in Trance) which I've shied away from doing all weekend. If not that, then I'll do some more writing or some planning towards the incoming next step of my career. It doesn't mean that I'll not feel some sense of loss, just that it won't dominate my night. And when I see him tomorrow, I'll probably still smile and sheepishly scold him for flaking out on me. I love the person I've become. Through lots of rejection and loneliness, a finer man has emerged. Behold 👑👑👑
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| Photo by Zun Zun from Pexels |
I've been thinking of doing this for at least the last two weeks. But I'm only just doing it now because I feel like it'd hurt if he says no. Besides that, I don't want him thinking that ulterior motives are my motivation for doing this. Granted, I probably won't be asking him out if he wasn't someone that I fancy. I'd love a chance to explore intimacy with him for sure if I get the chance. But being someone who declined back in 2015 when I tried to meet him in person - saying I'm not his type - I'm not exactly hopeful about the possibility of that.
Well. Last night, I just thought: "Fuck it, what's the worst that could happen" and went ahead with it. The potential upsides of him saying yes outweigh the obvious and relatable downsides of him saying no. I'm almost as good as numb to getting rejected these days, sometimes it worries me that I might have lost an essential part of what makes me human.
You won't imagine what I just remembered. Oh, here we go... It's that one time in 2016 when I and Ify (one guy who I'm crazily into) started hanging out again after a long period of not being in touch. In my mind, since the reason we'd stopped talking was that he ghosted me, I zeroed my mind as to any possibility of intimacy happening between us and just focused on enjoying the other things we could do together. Besides, he had a boyfriend.
Every weekend, we would get together, either on Saturday or Sunday to go out somewhere cool. Mostly art galleries and other outdoor events happening in the Lekki/VI/Ikoyi area. We went to Nike Art Gallery in Lekki, Art Café in VI, Red door Gallery in VI and another art gallery in Ikoyi whose name misses me.
It was when we were at the Red Door gallery on Bishop Oluwole VI that the unexpected happened. Being one to generally only be able to gloss over pieces of art, I was bored just 5 minutes into the whole shebang. I said this to him, probably as a way to indicate that I wanted to get going. Also, I think I was tired of taking pictures of him. "Do you want to do something fun", he replied. Next thing I know, we were sticking our tongues into the back of each other's throats in different corners of the gallery, of which we were the only visitors in there at the time.
The last time I'd kissed Ify's luscious (and I don't use that word lightly) lips was back on January 2, 2015, the very first day we met. And since then I'd only been able to dream of getting to do it again. Ify remained out of my grasp and I'd concluded that he doesn’t see me that way. So this shocked me out of my bones, in a good way.
That kicked off the beginning of a short-lived romance between us. After leaving Red door gallery, we went to a gallery in Ikoyi. There, we made out in the rain after which we had a quickie in the bathroom 😋. After that day, I started to go see Adi almost every day at his workplace which was just around the corner from where I lived at the time. We would make out in my car, stopping every so often to check that no potential joy-stealer was sneaking up on us. This went on for another couple of weeks, even though I was aware he had a boyfriend and that they were having a rough patch.
This did not last for long though. And I feel like it was because I kept pressing for a meaning for what we had. I'd never been in a relationship and at the time, getting that label was high-priority for me. In hindsight, I think that was foolish and I should have just gone with the flow and enjoyed what I had with Ify. It wasn't enough for me that I was having satisfying make out sessions with a man I loved regularly, that I was seeing him almost every day when I would go pick him up at 5am and drop him off close to the gym before heading for work. That my company meant something to him, even if it was just that he was enjoying having a free morning chauffeur and that I cherished every moment I got to spend in his company. It wasn't enough. I wanted more, for him to say he loves me, but I ended up with nothing. Poof! Argh. Nostalgia is sweet as it is bitter. Wherever you are Ify, you should know that I still love you and I'll never stop loving you. Now back on topic.
Recalling how things went with Ify keeps a bit of hope alive in me about things getting cosy with Adi. Adi's place is very close to mine; an 8-minute drive away at most on a traffic-free day. My hope is that we can get comfortable with each other enough to hang out every Sunday evening which is my official guilt-free socializing time. For someone who thinks that doing something measurably productive towards a medium/long-term personal goal is the best way to spend their free time, it shouldn't be taken for granted that I was able to carve out a period of my weekend for socializing. However comfortable in my own company I get, there's the different kind of fulfilment that only comes from spending time in the company of people you actually like. I deserve it. Also, it goes without saying that it's better if I enjoy that time since I get it on the average, only once a week.
Adi has agreed that we should hang out this evening. I don't find his response enthusiastic and it's still gnawing at me that he might be doing this out of obligation. It's less than 6 hours away from the time when we're meant to meet but we've still not decided on what movie we're gonna see tonight. He's taking his time, and having experienced that kind of lackadaisical attitude a lot before a flake out, I can't help but feel like he would just come up with an excuse at the last minute. I won't push it because again, I have no ulterior motives. I'm not horny beyond what a jerk-off can't take away. Being in his company and just talking and getting to know Adi better would probably give me enough pleasure to consider my time with him, rewarding.
Do I want more? Yes. Am I keen on it? Not at all. I won't push for it or mention anything about us remotely dating. Except, of course, the conversation naturally drifts in that direction or he mentions it first. A year has passed since one of my top 3 new year's goals was to get a boyfriend. Now, I can hardly relate to the person who made that decision at the time, given all the unreadable-in-a-book experiences I've gained in my efforts at getting booed up.
Because writing an article takes time, it's now just 3 hours to the time when we're supposed to meet. Adi is meant to get back to me on what movie it is that we're going to see but I've not heard from him. Of course, I could give him a nudge or I could just conveniently assume that his silence means that he's not keen on hanging out with me. Because it takes away nothing from me and can have the positive upside of us actually getting to hang out, I'll do it anyway.
I hate to think that I might be putting Adi under pressure to do something he's not up for. If that's the case, well, I hope he finds the heart to say it. I know how hard it can be to tell someone that you're not even vaguely interested in spending one-on-one time with them. That you're not remotely into them and that hanging out with them for you would be akin to going through the motions.
If Adi tells me he just doesn't want to see me, I'll not spend time brooding. For me, it would be time to spend doing my laundry (while simultaneously losing my head in Trance) which I've shied away from doing all weekend. If not that, then I'll do some more writing or some planning towards the incoming next step of my career. It doesn't mean that I'll not feel some sense of loss, just that it won't dominate my night. And when I see him tomorrow, I'll probably still smile and sheepishly scold him for flaking out on me. I love the person I've become. Through lots of rejection and loneliness, a finer man has emerged. Behold 👑👑👑
----
PS: Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, you can sign-up to be the first to get future posts from this blog by using the Follow By Email section down below.
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