Why evils?
For the past two days, I've had my 64 square-foot room all to myself. It’s a new experience, well sort of. A guy on met on Grindr in February who I dated for a week and has accommodation problems has been staying with me for the last 7 weeks. I broke things off barely a week into it, not because that was my intention starting out but because I felt choked by his always being there. I've not seen myself lose attraction to anyone faster than I did with this person. It feels to me like I woke out of a trance.
After we broke things off, I agreed to allow him keep staying with me since I had said 'yes' during the period of infatuation. Besides, I felt like I could tolerate the pain of sharing my personal space for some time, while fulfilling my commitment to being a kind person. Staying at my place is of great value to him because of how far his own house is from his place of work where he has to go to every day of the week.
Two-to-three weeks into us staying together, I decided I'd had enough of having to share my bed every night. So I told him I'd like him to leave in two weeks. He didn't say anything in response. It was annoying that he didn't but then I knew my message had been passed across so I didn't ask if he'd heard me. The next day, he engaged me in a conversation, begging me to allow him to stay further. He asked me to tell him if there was anything he was doing that I didn't like. He also offered to start sleeping on the floor if that was part of the inconvenience. For me, I really just missed the soothing feeling of coming back home after a long day and meeting an empty room. There was nothing he could do to help me feel better apart from leave. Yet, I told him I've heard him. He'd been cleaning the house every weekend without my asking, so in that regard, there was at least one thing I would miss if he left.
Indeed, about a week after our discussion, my roommate started sleeping on a blanket laid on the bare floor. I savored the feeling of being able to lie diagonally across my bed again. Naturally, I didn't ask him to come back to the bed, even though I felt sorry for him having to sleep on the floor. So for the past two-to-three weeks, he's been sleeping on the floor. I've not said a word to commiserate with him because really, I don't miss having him beside me every night.
Last week, I told him I'd like him to leave at the end of March. My house is a tiny place. Coupled with the fact that I'm currently dealing with some power/water issues, the fewer people are in the house, the better for everyone. The thought of having a roommate indefinitely under these conditions was like "send me to hell already"! One can only be so kind after all. He had three weeks to find a way to sort himself out; accommodation-wise.
Two nights ago, about 30 minutes to midnight, I thought it was strange that my roommate (who at this point, I never talk to except when I want to complain about something he did that irks me) had not arrived from work. That was pretty unusual; but to be honest, I just wanted to jerk off and didn't want someone walking in on me, so I called him to ask if he was still coming.
Roommate: I'm still in VI. I thought of calling you to let you know.
Me: Oh cool, are you still coming back today?
Roommate: I don't think I'll be coming back today.
Me: Ok, goodnight (what a relief; now let's get dirty)
Same thing happened last night (I didn't call him this time though). I got the prompt to write this article when as I stepped into the shower this morning, I felt a wave of contempt surge through me. I felt bitter that he had not asked permission from me before staying out last night; about what him having an alternative place to stay might mean for my relevance. Like, wtf! Is it not the same me that's given him an ultimatum that is barely 10 days away to find alternative accommodation? Shouldn't I be excited or happy that I've had my room all to myself for the last two nights? That when he leaves my place, there's a chance that he won't have to travel over 5 hours a day for the work commute.
I find it worrying that my gut reaction to the thought that he'd found another place to stay in the area while squatting with me was negative. Of course, I caught myself a few seconds into that reaction. My logical self had to step in and remind me that this is what I want after all. Roommate is giving me exactly what I asked for, so what on earth do I have to be angry about? I'm the one who asked that we 'park' the relationship barely 1 week into it because my feelings vanished, so why should I be bitter over him potentially having found someone else that can also accommodate him on Grindr?
Oh well, I just thought I'd take out some time to talk about the lizard in me. There's a lizard in all of us and to live in a modern society is to have to constantly monitor and if necessary, repress its base impulses; that gets tiring. And that's okay. It doesn't make me a bad person that I feel anything. Only my actions matter.
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After we broke things off, I agreed to allow him keep staying with me since I had said 'yes' during the period of infatuation. Besides, I felt like I could tolerate the pain of sharing my personal space for some time, while fulfilling my commitment to being a kind person. Staying at my place is of great value to him because of how far his own house is from his place of work where he has to go to every day of the week.
Two-to-three weeks into us staying together, I decided I'd had enough of having to share my bed every night. So I told him I'd like him to leave in two weeks. He didn't say anything in response. It was annoying that he didn't but then I knew my message had been passed across so I didn't ask if he'd heard me. The next day, he engaged me in a conversation, begging me to allow him to stay further. He asked me to tell him if there was anything he was doing that I didn't like. He also offered to start sleeping on the floor if that was part of the inconvenience. For me, I really just missed the soothing feeling of coming back home after a long day and meeting an empty room. There was nothing he could do to help me feel better apart from leave. Yet, I told him I've heard him. He'd been cleaning the house every weekend without my asking, so in that regard, there was at least one thing I would miss if he left.
Indeed, about a week after our discussion, my roommate started sleeping on a blanket laid on the bare floor. I savored the feeling of being able to lie diagonally across my bed again. Naturally, I didn't ask him to come back to the bed, even though I felt sorry for him having to sleep on the floor. So for the past two-to-three weeks, he's been sleeping on the floor. I've not said a word to commiserate with him because really, I don't miss having him beside me every night.
Last week, I told him I'd like him to leave at the end of March. My house is a tiny place. Coupled with the fact that I'm currently dealing with some power/water issues, the fewer people are in the house, the better for everyone. The thought of having a roommate indefinitely under these conditions was like "send me to hell already"! One can only be so kind after all. He had three weeks to find a way to sort himself out; accommodation-wise.
Two nights ago, about 30 minutes to midnight, I thought it was strange that my roommate (who at this point, I never talk to except when I want to complain about something he did that irks me) had not arrived from work. That was pretty unusual; but to be honest, I just wanted to jerk off and didn't want someone walking in on me, so I called him to ask if he was still coming.
Roommate: I'm still in VI. I thought of calling you to let you know.
Me: Oh cool, are you still coming back today?
Roommate: I don't think I'll be coming back today.
Me: Ok, goodnight (what a relief; now let's get dirty)
Same thing happened last night (I didn't call him this time though). I got the prompt to write this article when as I stepped into the shower this morning, I felt a wave of contempt surge through me. I felt bitter that he had not asked permission from me before staying out last night; about what him having an alternative place to stay might mean for my relevance. Like, wtf! Is it not the same me that's given him an ultimatum that is barely 10 days away to find alternative accommodation? Shouldn't I be excited or happy that I've had my room all to myself for the last two nights? That when he leaves my place, there's a chance that he won't have to travel over 5 hours a day for the work commute.
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| Photo by Rene Asmussen from Pexels |
I find it worrying that my gut reaction to the thought that he'd found another place to stay in the area while squatting with me was negative. Of course, I caught myself a few seconds into that reaction. My logical self had to step in and remind me that this is what I want after all. Roommate is giving me exactly what I asked for, so what on earth do I have to be angry about? I'm the one who asked that we 'park' the relationship barely 1 week into it because my feelings vanished, so why should I be bitter over him potentially having found someone else that can also accommodate him on Grindr?
Oh well, I just thought I'd take out some time to talk about the lizard in me. There's a lizard in all of us and to live in a modern society is to have to constantly monitor and if necessary, repress its base impulses; that gets tiring. And that's okay. It doesn't make me a bad person that I feel anything. Only my actions matter.
----
PS: Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, you can sign-up to be the first to get future posts from this blog by using the Follow By Email section down below.
Honestly, u are a sociopath.... and I say that without any malicious intent. Read a couple of your entries and u kinda strike me as one....(e.g the article about the guy u paid for sex etc)
ReplyDeleteAnyways...keep writing... It's interesting to see things from 'your' point of view. :)