LONELY BLACK BOY

Yesterday, a younger guy (22 years old) direct messaged me on Grindr. I'm currently 26 (a few months short of being 27). I opened the message and customarily went on to check out the lad's profile. He had a decent but not outstanding face pic on the profile. I read the profile write up and there was nothing remarkable to find there. I ignored his message. Then it occurred to me how of recent, this has been my general feeling about (and reaction to) younger guys who reach out me on Grindr. I just feel like there'd be very little substance and chemistry between me and someone who has little 'real-life' experience. And since I'm not the type who can ignore everything just to get some booty, I generally pass on such advances. I can vividly remember (what was probably) the first time I was rejected on Grindr. It was in November of 2014, in my first week ever of using Grindr. The guy in question was a guy who was in his 30's at the time. During the chat on...

This party happens to be the first and only gay social that I've ever attended, December 2016 being the first instance and this last Saturday being the second. I had randomly gotten in touch with Mal  (a FWB of mine) during the week. It was during the WhatsApp conversation with him that he informed me that the bi-weekly party would be coming up this Saturday. Boy, was I excited to hear that? I told him we were surely going, to which he wishy-washily told me: "we will see how it goes". I was alone at work on Friday night, so I had to help myself to some good music. And man, so much did I enjoy the music that I wanted to dance with all the strength in me. I happen upon an EDM playlist in my Deezer music app and right from the first track in there, I got so excited, I could not stop wishing to find myself in an EDM rave. This made me remember the party coming up Saturday night and at that point, I could not for god imagine missing it for anything. I knew I definitel...

Prior to this date, my stance on gay anal sex was a non-negotiable 'no'. I did not care if I was to be the giver or the receiver. I just would not involve my self in such a dirty, inconvenient and stereotypical activity just because I happen to be attracted to men. Many years back, I had tried out anal penetration on my own by using some baby oil in conjunction with a candle. My takeaways from that experiment are as follows: anal sex is not pleasurable and slightly painful; it is at best, an inconvenience I can live without anal is sex freaking dirty. Damn, just look at that shit all over the candle! Nasty-ass jam doughnuts Who was to know that it would not take any cajoling or convincing to have me change my entire opinion about this activity? I was at a birthday party at work when his text message came in via Whatsapp that Friday evening. He was one of the guys who I had added on Grindr but with whom things happened to fizzle out after a couple of messages ex...

The title says it all. I quit the no fap challenge 'cold turkey' on Friday night by jerking off to gay porn on Twitter. For some reason, I don't feel very bad about it. I am proud of how far in I went without jerking off, even thought that's not good enough excuse for my relapse. I was feeling emotionally low, lower than I have in any recent times on Friday night and I think this was the major reason for my relapse. It was a long day at work; I was unproductive and feeling quite unfulfilled at the end of the day because I did not achieve any of my goals for the day. Also, I had to deal with a flat tire at 10pm on a Friday night. Sucks right? Below is an excerpt from my journal containing the thought process that permitted me to relapse into my old fapping ways after keeping away from it for such a long time: " How much longer will I be able to resist this. I'd better just do it sooner rather than later anyway " From tomorrow (Monday) I intend to g...

Hey hey. I have some bad news for you. I broke my 15 day no fap streak today. But to be honest, I'm not feeling in the least disappointed in myself about it. Let me tell you how it happened. I was lying in my bed yesterday hot afternoon, butt naked, with my pillow over my dick, innocently pressing my phone. Trust me I was not up to anything naughty on my phone. So I did not expect it when blood out of nowhere started to fill up my weenie. And I tell you it felt so good. Especially in the backdrop of the one week of sexual appetite drought I just passed through. The pillow on my dick felt like a succulent warm ass, so you would not be surprised when my left hand automatically went to work, rocking it back and forth on my dick. It felt wonderful. Amazing. And I feared that this might be the sad end of my 15 day streak. I stopped for a while. Maybe a minute, until the urge overwhelmed me one more time and this time, once I had one rep of the pillow's rocking motion, I knew in ...

Hello. I know no one is there but I still don't mind. It just feels great to take this writing time out to acknowledge how long ago it was since I last watched a pornographic video or masturbated. It's only six days to go before I hit the 21 day threshold which is said to be the point when a new habit really starts to take hold. I would become much more confident and love myself even more if I get to that point, honestly. I lack faith in my ability to commit to something and actually follow through without any external pressure. So, being successful at this commitment is much more important to me than you can probably imagine. I got really aroused at some point today when I was on my bed. So aroused was I that it felt like merely moving my waist up and down while lying down, such that my erect penis was rubbing back and forth against my thighs was enough to make me orgasm in a few minutes. I will admit I kept at it for a few seconds because it felt good, but then after a ...

Let me get right to the meat of it. Yes I'm still on track. But unfortunately, I'm not really happy about that. Let me explain. I have my 'boyfriend' over and of course we've been trying to make each other feel good over the past 24 hours. However, with all the time and effort invested by both of us in trying to make me cum, I've not even come close.  Part of my hopes while signing up for this challenge was that I would be more easy to pleasure by a sexual partner. However, the exact opposite of that is what seems to be happening now. My libido is very low. I'm not as easy to arouse as I usually am. And to top (no pun intended) it all off, I actually went limp while trying to get into him just a couple of hours ago (I owe you a post on this)! This is the same me who never has difficulty staying hard all through an intimate session with someone I'm attracted to. Now, I don't know if all these situations and experiences are tied to my no fap...

Wow. It's the 11th day of my commitment to the no fap challenge and as has been in the previous 10 days, today is also a success. Today, my libido was absolutely nowhere to be found all day long and the situation remains the same till this moment. I really can't say why but my guess is that it's like that because I'm a little indisposed. It's so bad that I don't think I've had an erection all day long. Well. I guess that's a good thing as far as this challenge is concerned. Just makes being successful at this challenge much less difficult than it would have been otherwise. My boyfriend whom I mentioned in yesterday's post is here right now as I write this post. I've still not had an erection. I believe things will get better anyway, as we get more comfortable in each other's presence. Well well well. That would be all for today folks. I'll hit you with updates tomorrow, as usual. Writing this is so freaking easy, cos' it's a...

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Today is the 9th day into my commitment to the topic challenge. While I'm glad to have come this far, I know it's still a long way ahead and anything could happen in the remaining 21 days for the completion of thirty days. I've been out and about all day long, so, there's been very little temptation to fap. Last night though, the temptation was high because I had a guy over. We made out for a few minutes but the encounter did not end in an orgasm for either of us. He had to leave. However, I powered through the rest of the day and managed not to relieve myself of all the accumulated pressure in the easy way. This morning I felt a little ache in my left testis. I would call it blue balls, even though I cannot describe what I felt to be as intense as what the guy in an article I once read did. It's exactly five hours to the end of the day and I'm both grateful and confident that today is another successful day of no fap. Nothing's gonna move me off of this...

I like how I don't wait till the actual end of the day before doing these updates. Of course, the fact that the day is not over means that there's still a chance that I fap today. But then, I think posting this serves as a subtle motivation to actually not break my commitment until the end of the day. I mean, if I posted this and then still went back to fap, then I would be a liar - definitely not a vice I want to add on to my life. Freaky psychological stuff. Trust me, today has been super challenging. By now, it's been over 72 hours since I last had an orgasm. My balls are boiling full of semen that wants to escape. My hormones are raging. I'm super-duper horny and everything gives me a hard-on. Even as I write this right now, my penis is semi-erect because I am looking forward to having a friend over for sex in a few hours today. It doesn't help that one stupid 19 year old boy on Grindr decided to send me pictures of his totally naked asshole, bubble butt and...

It's the sixth day since I last beat off to any sort of sexually erotic material. Too early to be proud of myself. Too early to count my chicks. But I'm happy that I've been able to come this far. One part of me thinks that if I'd not had a release from actual sex on two different days within this six-day period, I would long have fallen by the way side. For the sake of maintaining faith in the goal I've set out before my self (a thirty-day no fap streak), I want to believe that that is not the case. That I've come this far solely because I decided to. I feel a persistent ache in my left testis. This is not normal and I cannot remember feeling this way in any recent time, if at all ever. All I can think of is that this is linked to my abstinence, but then I think that's very unlikely because it's less than 48 hours since I last had an orgasm. Hopefully, the pain subsides on its own and does not aggravate. Today, I came pretty close to letting go. I...